Checklist for the Expecting Father

September 13th, 2007 @

“Are you all ready for the pregnancy?” My boss asked.

“Sure, we have her clothes packed and the phone list ready…” I replied.

“No,” he cut me off, “are YOU ready for the pregnancy?”

He then went on with a list of things I personally never thought about. While the misses was going to have her day set, I would be sitting around either bored or playing helper. I thought I’d share some tips from my recent experience.

Food
Your going to be gone for at least 24 hours. You’ll probably be able to sneak away to the nearest grease joint, but who knows what the timing is going to be. My boss recommends cheese and crackers. I preferred cookies and chips.

Money
Of the loose kind. Grab a roll of quarters in advance to feed to the magic food dispensers. Your hospital will most likely have these conveniently located 19 floors and 7 closets away from where you’re at.

Pillow and Blanket
I recommend doing what I did and upon getting there immediately sleep if the misses is inducing. You’ll be able to catch a couple of hours before the storm hits. Catch as much sleep as you can without pissing off the misses. You probably won’t sleep much that first night as the baby will be crying throughout the night.

Clothing and Personal Hygiene
24 hours. So you’ll need your pit stick, a toothbrush and paste, and maybe a spare T-shirt. That would have came in handy as the first thing my daughter did was pee all over mine.

MP3 Player
Your going to need something to drown out the relatives when they all come and visit. They will ramble on incessantly about how their friend’s nephew’s father-in-law’s ex-wife’s daughter had this sort of birth with this sort of drugs. Just smile nod your head to the beat of Radiohead. Bring one for the misses as well.

Time Wasters
Perhaps puzzle books or a laptop. Our room had a DVD player in it and if we had known/thought ahead of time we could have been watching cool animes on our crappy TV.

Patience
Just smile and nod. It’ll be over soon enough. Mom’s gonna scream, yell, curse, cringe, moan and complain. If the drugs don’t work you’ll have to deal with this the whole time. If they do work you have to deal with loopy Mom which is almost as bad. Just smile, nod, and persevere.

A Sidecar Mentality
As the father of this baby you have absolutely no rights whatsoever. The doctors and Mom are going to steer this ship and your just along for the ride. You are the passenger and helper. You’ll get ice and water, ask the nurse for small things and hold her hand. You’ll also get asked to leave now and then, you might get pushed to the side and you’ll get odd stares if you ask too many questions.

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